


all alone, on the edge of sleep

by awesomems



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Steve Rogers Gets a Hug, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, esp since the whole thing is less than 500 words, from bucky, maybe some, steve has, the sad stuff is only for like 2 paragraphs, the tags make it seem a lot worse than it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 01:40:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21689380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awesomems/pseuds/awesomems
Summary: the middle of the night is when steve's thoughts finally catch up with him.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	all alone, on the edge of sleep

**Author's Note:**

> title from breaking down by florence + the machine
> 
> this is based on personal experiences and is mostly me projecting. i'm trying to get back into writing since i have a bunch of ideas, so this is a quick thing i wrote in an hour and a half before sleeping, edited it in the morning, and posted. hope you enjoy.
> 
> tw for panic attacks, mainly, and self-hating/deprecating thoughts

he’s too tired for this.

according to his phone, it was 2:51 in the morning, and he was awake. he’d been able to fall asleep with bucky almost five hours ago, yet his body refused to stay asleep. (something he should maybe talk to a doctor about, or at least try changing his habits, but he would save that for another day.) he didn’t see the point in waking bucky, so his best option was to try his hardest to go back to sleep.

unfortunately, 3 am has never been a good time for steve’s thoughts, all the negative things he thought about himself running rampant in his head with nothing to distract him or put him at ease. his attempt at self-soothing, _i can do this_ , instantly ricocheted back as _you can’t do anything, you’re incapable, you’re not cut out for this_. if he was being honest, he didn’t even know what ‘this’ was, but he believed the voice. 

he sat up, trying to keep his breathing even and stop the thoughts from spiraling out of control, but all he could think of was his shortcomings. everyday, he failed at being a leader, a friend, a partner. _you’re worthless_ , thinking of the blood on his hands. _you don’t deserve him_ , thinking about all the people bucky could’ve had the option to spend the rest of his life with, and yet he stuck around. _you’re nothing_ , he thinks, curling into a ball and trying to keep the shaking to a minimum and his sobs as quiet as possible, which isn’t very when he can’t breathe and it feels like he’s drowning all over again and― 

“steve?” a soft, albeit confused, voice cuts through the cacophony in his head. “steve, look at me. it’s okay,” he says, going into crisis mode as soon as he realizes what’s going on, using the same therapy tools that were given to him on steve.

“can i touch you?” he asks, knowing how distressing unexpected touch can be, especially during an attack. but steve nods, and bucky proceeds to put a hand on his shoulder. “okay, stevie, breathe with me. can you do that for me? just match me.” 

after about a minute, his breathing is steadier, but he is by no means calm. “what do you need?”

“just…hold me. please.”

“c’mere.” they lay back down, steve’s head against bucky’s chest, his right hand brushing the hair out of steve’s face before circling his waist, steve lacing his fingers with the other man’s metal ones. “i’ve got you,” bucky whispered. “i love you, i’ve got you, and i’m not going anywhere, not ever.”

“you promise?”

“promise. for real this time.”

there’s a comfortable silence in the room, until bucky says, “do you wanna talk about it?”

“no,” steve says very matter-of-fact.

“okay. i love you.”

“i love you too.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos are appreciated, let me know what you thought!


End file.
